


It hurts but I won't fight you

by GingerHoran



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Happy Ending?, Love, M/M, Questioning Love, WhoisAlaska put me in a writing mood, i don't know?, love you anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 13:03:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GingerHoran/pseuds/GingerHoran
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their love isn't the same anymore, Zayn feels cold and Niall's a furnace but he's afraid of getting too close.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It hurts but I won't fight you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> Once again I'm on a roll. Don't know what's happening here, exactly, but oh well.  
> Another one for you, might as well dedicate them all to you Amy, but this one you truly inspired, you deserve it babe, you keep me going x

It's 4am, it's the middle of the night and Zayn can't sleep. He feels like death sat on his queen sized bed.

There's no more dreams anymore, no more snowflakes and candy, he only has nightmares.  
  
He runs a bath and sinks to the bottom, and only when the air is scratching at his lungs, when the waters turned murky and when he feels like dying does he resurface.

"Zayn?" There's a knock on the bathroom door, and Zayn winces remembering when it was babe, or Zee or sweetheart.

The bed is cold when he returns, and Niall is facing the other way curled in on himself towards the glistening moon visible through the window.

There's a concrete wall between the two of them, it's solid and immobile but Zayn's still afraid to knock it down, he doesn't really want to know what's on the other side.

Mornings are quiet now, eerily quiet, all the talking and embraces and love is simple a memory, it's as if their whole house has been bathed in a shower of snow that's frozen out the warmth.

His heart whispers the end, but it beats on through the storm trying to find the fire of love that once lay in the blue eyes he fell for, but only ice remains.

He thinks Niall doesn't love him anymore.

As usual he's arises at sunset to an empty bed and the rattling of the kettle, Niall's in the kitchen and he flashes Zayn a brief, sad sort of smile when he walks in.

"I'll be back around 6, got another meeting at work, being overworked." He grumbles with a sip of tea out of a chipped mug, not even sparing Zayn another glance before he's out the door, he looks tired and weary Zayn thinks.

+

  
They're invited to another one of those business dinners, and Zayn's in a routine now, he knows he has to act polite, and interested and loving and like an all round doting partner. He feels heavy, like he's no longer a human, but a robot and everything's clockwork and go go go with no feelings.

Niall seems to be in a very absorbing conversation with his boss, full of words that Zayn doesn't acknowledge and overly fluent hand gestures.

He's in the corner sipping on a drink he's forgotten the name of and there are people dotted all around the room, taking, laughing, living but Zayn has never felt more alone before.

The car journey home is silent, only the radio in the background to take off the edge a little.

Niall looks exhausted with his tie crumpled and his under eyes as black as dusted coal, and Zayn wants to reach out and kiss life into the boy, but he doesn't dare.

Niall's always been a porcelain doll, fragile and delicate, he was a blue eyed beauty when they met and Zayn cannot deny it was the eyes he fell for.

Now it seems those eyes are shadowy, and those black pupils have expanded so they look like matte embers flickering in the expanse that used to be blue sapphires.

The light in his eyes has died, along with the fire that burnt bright in Zayn's soul, Zayn's heart and Zayn's mind.

Everything's breaking into shards of glass in front of him, and every step he takes cuts into his skin leaving little scars, but Zayn's too afraid to put the pieces back together.

The whole picture will probably portray the messy mosaic of their relationship, and quite frankly, Zayn's never been more hesitant of the truth.

  
+

They're lying in bed together again, Niall snoring soft and evenly beside him, but Zayn's heart feels a little bit naked and open and he wants to move away, wants to tear the rest of it from where it's attached to Niall's beating heart but what he doesn't realise is that they've been miles away for a while.

Niall starts to shift in the bed, his breathing becoming rugged , and Zayn wants to be touched, to be kissed, to be loved, he wants to be able to feel as if he is breathing, feel like he's human again.

But he doesn't move his icy limbs past the invisible line that's been placed across the white linen sheets and into the burning furnace.

So he just scrunches up his eyelids and stays still like a marble statue, and it hurts listening to Niall sit up and sigh, he's afraid of leaving and somebody taking his place, but at the same time there is no love.

+

" I'm not in love with someone else."

These words should make Zayn feel better, make him unafraid of being replaced and being left alone and unloved, but they don't.

Niall leans over the table this time, and kisses Zayn's forehead softly with his chapped lips, and it leaves no visible imprint but Zayn's heart thumps a little.

And when Niall leaves with a little smile, a flicker of blue in those hard ember, Zayn thinks about everything, and thinks that maybe Niall is returning from wherever he went.

Maybe they should start again, from scratch, from the hellos to the first kisses. Because that's where everything just went wrong, the initial fiery desire burnt through itself and Zayn wants to light it up again, with a fresh match.

+

The Marlboro is lit, the ash dusted along Niall's polished black shoes, and he smiles shyly at Zayn who walks into the house which smells of smoke and he wants to taste the bitterness on Niall's tongue.

Instead of bundling up into their bedroom with a book and leaving Niall to prepare his own dinner, he approaches the younger boy, and for once there is a little hope in his heart.

"Hi," he starts with a sigh, his eyes lighting up as Niall cocks his brow and flicks the ash from his fag, before turning to Zayn and wondering why the boy isn't cooped up in their cold bed, or pretending to sleep on the couch with his eyes wide open.

"Hey." And there's that smile, the one that started the butterflies deep inside the ridges of Zayn's chest, and he feels them again, there's only a small buzz as they try to escape from there frozen state.

+

Zayn stares at the moon at 4am, with a little smile and a little warmth, he lights candles in the bathtub and doesn't try to drown himself in the water, those butterflies erupting with each hesitant and soft kiss.

He let Niall in, he let the boy open up his heart and give him warmth, he let him turn the nuts and bolt inside of him into beating muscle and organs, into the loving matter it uses to be.

There are tears that dribbles across the moons surface, and they hit every heart with some cold, but Zayn' tries to pull himself from the despair of anxiousness and lies.

It takes a while for the concrete wall to be taken down, for them to run the miles between each other hearts, to let the other into the accumulated warmth.

They just needed a little love, and a new beginning.

 


End file.
